Scripture: Psalm 5
A friend of mine recently posted “forgiving someone is easy, it’s trusting them again that’s hard.” Everyone in Christian circles will tell you that you must put your trust in the LORD. That’s easy to say and assumes that you have some frame of reference. I went through a Christian 12-step program called Celebrate Recovery four years ago and one of the steps requires you to make a list of the people you need to forgive. My early childhood was full of emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse so my list was long and faces many.
The Hebrew word for trust is chasah, meaning “to trust; to hope; to make someone a refuge.” The form of the verb used in Verse 11 of this psalm describes the kind of trust that a defenseless, trusting baby bird has as it hides itself under its parent’s feathers. As a child, I had had that kind of trust in people who were supposed to protect me, and they used that trust to violate me. The details of those violations were the secrets that bore holes in my heart.
As I went down my painful list with my sponsor, one by one, I was able to forgive each person, especially when she reminded me that hurt people hurt people. However, trusting them was another story. Sadly, I became consciously aware during that step that I trusted no one, not even God. But how? What does trust look like? What does trust feel like? I struggled with these questions for another three years. The answers came during honest reviews of my life and identifying all the times He carried me when I wasn’t paying attention. It took realizing that He is in the details. I began to think about the number of times that if I had gotten “my way” (job, boyfriend, house, etc.,) things would have gone disastrously wrong. Knowing what I know now, I am so glad life took more detours than I originally wanted. That was God. He had been there for me every step of the way. I can now rejoice just like David did. “Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them.” I can now rest knowing that He will surround me “as with a shield.” Thank You, Papa.